I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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