you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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