You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
