It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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