made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
