Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
