the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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