New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
