I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
