the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
