I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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