I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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