Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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