dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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