is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
