well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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