I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
