It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
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