At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
