i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
