Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Randomize
