My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
