a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
