I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
