every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
