i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
