atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
