turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i drank out of a bidet.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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