I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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