I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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