it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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