He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
