I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
