well I can't set my house on fire every night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize