if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
