just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
