mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Found your dick twin last night
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
