if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You're like the curious george of whores
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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