If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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