Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
