A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
