She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
