They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
