I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Gay?
German.
Pity.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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