Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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