please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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