did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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