oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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