I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
