News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
