in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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