Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
