I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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