So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
