When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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