Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Two words: nipple clamps
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