be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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