The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
