Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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