When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
