I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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