You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
